Does Love Really Conquer All?

I'm sitting with my eyes closed feeling the sobs welling up deep within. I am in love with someone that I fear no longer loves me. There have been so many mistakes made through the relationship. Feelings hurt, each other taken for granted, secrets that cost us the price of trust. But how do you let go of the pain? How long can you cry and feel sadness? I don't want to do anything but sleep and cry. I long for his touch, his kiss, the yearning he once had for me. How could it really be gone if I still have all this pain and longing inside?

How does love die and where does it go? If one person still has it, how can the other loose it?

Part of what scares me is thinking about another man in my life. The thought of touching another and letting them touch me is not exciting as it should be. It makes me well up with tears and get sick to my stomach. What do you do about this to make it go away? If you have that much passion still inside, isn't there a way to fix what went wrong and be together again? That much love for a person, that deep unconscious love, is powerful and should be appreciated for just being there right?

I've always heard the old adage, love conquers all. Well, does it really? Can lovers overlook major differences and find the common ground with their hearts to just get over stupid things and see the love in each others eyes? Shouldn't it be enough that at the end of the day, reaching for that special someone and feeling safe in their embrace is all you need?

I know we live in a much more complicated world and back in the simpler times, this wasn't such a problem. You got married, you stayed married and you pretty much knew your role and played it. Some were lucky and really had love, others worked very hard at it and finally found it through just living and surviving together. They learned to love each other and it was probably a stronger bond than the love at first sight couples.

I'm at a desperate point in my life of not knowing what to do with all this emotion. I want to be the couple that worked through all the adversity and came out with the love of my life by my side. Not the failure that just let the love of her life go because of all the mistakes. How do you get over that anyway? You end up just settling for someone that is pleasant and hope that will turn out to be enough? That is such a sad contemplation that it only makes me more confused about life in general. Is this really what God intended for my life to be? Was I supposed to struggle to prove I can love another. Was it a test for the other person to work through issues of their own and trust in the core of love no matter what the other circumstances to find their true center of happiness in acceptance of less than perfect?

Grieving is a process necessary for renewal. I grieve for the mistakes I've made, the bad choices, the selfishness and the lies. These were all part of who I was becoming who I am. Each circumstance you face in life and make a choice, whether it is conscious or not, leads you down another road in life. Those collective experiences make us who we are and help us enjoy our journey. I have to date, made so many confused, selfish decisions that I've not enjoyed much of my journey. Finding myself a lot older, and hopefully more clear on needs and desires that I can choose better on the path ahead.

A lost love should shape and mold you going forward. Right now, it is my heart and I am standing still watching the world swirl around me, not knowing which way to step. Desperately I am looking for that extended hand to pull me back into love.